perhaps my favorite quote from doctor who.  brilliant may be stretching it, but i do see things few others seem to see.  i’m loved by a very small handful, but most people just find me offensive or, at best, confusing.

i was born 12/31/82 in southern california into the worldwide church of god.  my dad worked as a minister and consequently i lived in mississippi, canada, and south georgia before the church changed doctrines, lost members, laid off ministers, and my dad had to move to atlanta to find work.

i have a B.A. in english, summa cum laude.  maybe wasn’t the most lucrative choice, but i highly value a work-life balance that favors life.

i live outside atlanta.  i have worked in nonprofit for over five years.

i was raised very creepy-strict christian.  my mother loves me, but you will never meet a less sane or logical human being in your life.  my parents hate each other and the stress is reducing my father to poor health.  he has been miserable for a long time.  they don’t have much money, so divorce has seemed an unlikely option.  even harder to watch is the fact that my dad is a really wonderful and smart man, yet clings to christianity like it’s all that matters.  i try not to imagine how fulfilling his life would be if he unlocked the cell of his own theistic prison.

i identified as lesbian for about seven years, though i never felt connected to other lesbians and never fit into the gay community at all.  i always felt like an outsider (though that is generally true of me and any social group.)  i had two long-term relationships with women; the longest was over 4 years, and we are still good friends (after some struggles), which is lucky for me, because it would have been awful to lose that connection from my life.  i hated men for a long time, was disgusted by them, and i’m not sure what caused the shift.  i never had daddy issues or bad experiences with men; i think it was caused by my mother’s obsession with keeping me away from boys as a teenager, and always telling me how evil they were and how sexual activity was wrong.  it would be nice if i were still a little bi now, but i really don’t have any desire towards women anymore.

after that relationship ended, i dated a very, very young guy for two years.  it might have lasted, had he not been incredibly immature and lazy, despite some effort.  people are who they are, and can only be changed so much.  but losing him was the best thing that ever happened to me, because it freed me up to find my truly perfect match.

i also went through a period of a couple years during my mid-20s where i suffered something of a gender identity crisis.  i began to hate my identity as a woman and my body, and desperately wanted to be male.  perhaps it was misdirected desire, as it was during this time that i began to be attracted to men.  once i started a relationship with a man, this obsession declined.  i am still extremely conscious and supportive of gender equality and the abolishment of gender norms altogether, and am a big fan of anyone who tears down gender walls in any way.

my fiancé, brandon (aforementioned truly perfect match), is a computer genius and a member of mensa, so any time i seem especially cocky, feel free to remind me that he is smarter than i am.  i’ve suffered some terrible relationship experiences in the past, so sometimes i like to brag about him.  in my defense, he is adorable.  i’ve never had respect for someone the way i do for him; he’s one of my biggest inspirations and a perfect example to anyone who tries to use excuses.  he was obese as a teenager, grew up poor, never knew his father, was never educated about health, dropped out of high school, then worked his ass off, and now he’s a sexy vegetarian genius with three degrees and a badass computer engineering job.  he also happens to be the kindest, funniest, and most rational person i’ve ever known.  i got really lucky.

i have been a vegetarian since 2007, and committed to veganism in early 2012 (barring a few slip-ups here and there).  it’s not just a “personal choice,” it’s a lifestyle, a very passionate moral stance, and i will criticize people who choose to participate in the unnecessary exploitation of animals.

i have felt isolated in my thoughts, beliefs, and mindset since i was a young teenager.  common consensus would say i think “too much,” but i’ve come to embrace that.  i don’t think it’s possible to think too much, especially coming from a culture who scarcely thinks at all.  it’s very, very hard for me to connect with people, because even when i get to know them more deeply, they seem shallow and mostly all the same to me.  it’s also nearly impossible for me to bond with someone who doesn’t share my core beliefs.  for instance…

i am an antitheist.

i danced for awhile as a teenager, and fell into the anorexia trap for awhile.  even though i didn’t need to lose weight, i am fully aware of how painfully difficult it is to discipline oneself to a diet.

contrary to what people assume from the anti-religious and pro-GLBT views, i am not a “liberal.”  i do not subscribe to any political ideology.  i am antipolitical.  i disagree with most of the liberal philosophies (though i’m not very fond of the conservative ones either).  i’ve encountered a lot of people who live off government hand-outs, and i don’t know a single one who actually needs it; so far i’ve just seen laziness and exploitation, and i cannot accept my tax dollars supporting that.  if you’re pulling food stamps out of a coach purse, something’s fucking wrong with the system.   someone’s lack of discipline in managing their own money should not mean the rest of us have to pay for them to continue living irresponsibly.  i know there are people who genuinely need and deserve help, but i also know they’re the minority.

i align most closely with the societal ideals of the zeitgeist movement, though i don’t think such a concept (i.e. a resource-based economy) would ever reach fruition in the majority-rules society that we live in, the majority being as ignorant and selfish as it is.

fatness disgusts me.  i never say that because it’s such a taboo statement to make, but this is a blog about honest thoughts, whether or not they’re socially accepted.  i try to be sympathetic and non-judgmental, because i know plenty of fat people who have good hearts and lead otherwise decent lives, but being overweight is a sign of ill health, both mental and physical.  everyone throws around the “love your body” propaganda nowadays, but i believe a) loving your body doesn’t mean giving up and accepting your 300-lb stature; there is nothing beautiful about heart disease, stroke, or diabetes.  loving your body means taking care of yourself and giving it the nutrients and exercise it needs.  b) lack of physical self-care is a symptom of something wrong in one’s mind.  whether it’s an insecurity or a weakness or an emotional blockage or bad habits or just ignorance, it’s something that should and can be addressed and dealt with.  furthermore, not taking care of one’s body is harmful to society, healthcare, and the environment, and i simply can’t turn a blind eye to that.  the poisonous pharmaceutical companies and ignorant medical professionals pretty much control the universe nowadays, so supporting them is the last thing anyone should be doing.

rule of thumb for me: if someone’s personal behaviors or habits have any negative impact on me, society,or the environment as a whole, even indirectly, you can bet i’m going to have a problem with it.  example: i work for a tiny nonprofit company and i have to pay $350 a month - THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS A MONTH - for my health insurance premium.  i go to the doctor once a year for a check-up.  that’s all.  i take care of myself so that i don’t need anything else.  but i’m sensitive as fuck to the cost of healthcare (as you can guess, working in nonprofit is not the most lucrative of fields), and i know it’s because so few people take care of themselves.  all the unhealthy ignorant fat-asses and smokers and fast food junkies of this world are incurring more and more medical expenses, raising the costs for everyone.  and no matter how you slice it, that isn’t fair.

is it easy work to be healthy?  to have to say “no” to something i might want, to force myself off the couch to exercise, to eat a salad when i’d rather have pizza?  hell no.  we’re creatures of pleasure.  we want to do things we enjoy, and fuck the rest.  but is it worth it - all the work and effort and discipline?  fuck yes it is.  to feel like you’re living in truth and awareness, to feel your body respond positively to the good things you do for it, to become as medically independent from the healthcare industry as possible - that’s invaluable.  that’s the epitome of living well.  not wealth or material success or recognition - but the act of treating yourself and the world around you with respect and care.  that’s what’s important.

you may notice i don’t have a lot of tolerance for laziness, irresponsibility, or excuses.  i’m not an asshole - i do have sympathy for people who are going through hardships, regardless of the cause or nature.  what i don’t have sympathy for is people who give up, or who try put the burden of their hardships on others.  the experiences i’ve had in my own life have shaped this viewpoint.  i’ve gone through experiences so traumatic that i couldn’t eat, woke up with panic attacks every morning, lost 10 pounds in a few days, had nonstop heart palpitations for weeks, and had to excuse myself from my desk at work to cry in the bathroom several times a day.  i had the option of giving up - quitting my job, leaving my apartment, moving in with my parents, spending all my time in bed and claiming “disability” from the government.  but i didn’t.  i never gave up.  i took care of myself.  i dragged my ass out of bed through the panic attacks, went to work, forced myself to eat when i thought i was going to throw up every bite.  it was hell.  it was absolute fucking hell.  but i didn’t give up.  i trudged through it and my life is better now than it’s ever been in 29 years.

i know my experiences are unique; that not everyone has the same opportunities, or the same upbringing.  case in point: for two years i dated someone who was very young, and very lazy.  his family was crap, he never had any loving support growing up, never any motivation to do much of anything.  so i gave him that.  i gave him every possible opportunity to succeed - love, patience, financial support, educational support, a place to live in a thriving city with tons of jobs, help with his resume and college applications, positive reinforcement and as much encouragement as i could offer.  it was all a waste.  he got fired from three jobs and is now living back at home with his parents, not in college, smoking and drinking and doing god knows what else, after spending several months trying to get me back.  i feel sorry for him but i did everything i could.  certainly i made mistakes of my own, but i can at least rest in the fact that i gave him every possible opportunity to succeed.  it is in his own power to make something of his life, and until he realizes that and stops making excuses, he’s going to remain pathetic and unhappy.  you can lead a horse to water, and all that.

so even with the right opportunities, people can still find excuses not to take them.  and i have no tolerance for that.  i know what it’s like to break down and to feel hopeless.  i’ve written suicide letters.  i’ve felt completely alone.  but i never once allowed my problems to burden others, or society, or anything else but myself.  that option would always be my absolute last resort.  i know some people really need help, but there’s a difference between temporary helplessness and living a lifestyle of excuses and exploitation.  i really believe most people are just fucking lazy because i’ve seen it, i’ve witnessed it, many of them have even admitted it - and they just don’t care.  and that’s why i’m angry.  i work hard to be good, to take care of myself and be kind and recycle and turn off lights and not hurt animals and remain in nonprofit because i believe in the cause, even though i could be making more elsewhere.  i sacrifice, while it seems like everyone around me exploits.

it’s hard for me to tell if the world is getting stupider, or if the few smart ones will save the day.  obesity rates are up, the economy is shit, but atheism and veganism have a bigger following than ever.  who knows?

so now that you know everything i’m against, here are some things i’m for: family guy, harry potter, doctor who, yoga, meditation, hiking, exploring new outdoorsy spots, science, outer space, sloths, watching horrible reality tv with brandon, documentaries that make me think, putting makeup on boys, writing, taking pictures, fan fiction, roller coasters, and traveling.